So it comes down to this.. Doug and I are now at the point where if we are not prego by the end of this cycle we start the IUI process. To be honest its all a little scary..frustrating...and stressful. I never thought that when we started all this, that it would all go this far down this path of infertility.
About a month ago now we were given a sheet about IUI's and whatnot. That was sooo old it was not even funny. In fact it was so old..the specialist had to cross out sections of the pages so that we would ignore those sections. I think legally he had to give us about a month to think about all of this. Doug was ready to pounce on the opportunity in the room. I distinctly remember Doug saying " Well we are doing this RIGHT?" As you are sitting there listening to the doctor not saying much that you wanted to hear but knew was coming. I even remember asking.."are you sure there is not something else I can take to help the process first?". I got a swift "No, this is the next option/step". I remember swallowing like it was horribly hard to do. As we are leaving the office..Doug kept asking me " We are doing this next step right?" over and over again..
All of this is alot to take in. I sometimes forget with all of what we are going through, how young i actually am. Or how much we have gone through already. Alot of people like to tell me God only gives you what you can handle..well I sure hope we have learned the lesson he is trying to teach us already. Because I am sometimes not sure how much more I can take.
In 2 more days we will right back where we were again. Not done our full cycle..not knowing if we are pregnant or not. We are in infertility limbo! Part of me just wants to just be there already. And just in case any of you out there are thinking this..at this point..it has nothing and I mean NOTHING to do with trying to hard. When you are where we are at in this process..it is the last thing you want to hear.
Moving onward..scared..taking leaps and bounds. We are going for knowledge and planning with the doctor. Learning more about this next whole process and what we need to do. I sometimes feel like a test subject being poked and prodded all the time and made to take certain medications. We are hoping all of this perseverence and patience and love will in the long run lead to the end goal..forming the beginning of our family.
I am sure I will be back on here thursday sometime, just to give you all the latest of course.Like the butterfly in the picture above. We are all geared up for the long flight ahead.
My beautiful, smart, wonderful cousin. I have been in your shoes, I have had this awkward discussion, and I have felt the anger, resentment, sadness and pain. I just want you to know, I urge you to keep trying and stay positive. You and your body just haven't synced up yet, but I feel it...its coming and you and Doug will be blessed with children. Your feelings that you're having now will dramatically shift when the time comes to start planning for the babies. You will remember all the pain, but you will be thankful for it. You are strong, be proud of the fact that you are willing to take these paths that not a lot of people have to take. And know that Doug is there to hold you and comfort you when you need him to. Brighter days are coming...its may be a battle now, but rest assured its worth the war! I love you miss, call if you need to vent or cry or scream...I know, I've been there, we will be there again in the new year...love to you and Doug.
ReplyDeletexoxo Christina