Let the Rain Come Down

Its been awhile since I have posted.. I was hoping that I would have some better news to come sooner than later...but as time goes by...we learn more....we appreciate little things.

"Let the Rain"- Sara Bareilles

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down

This song and today's weather has inspired me to write once again. Here are some lyrics for you to read...which are posted above.
I guess you could say rain pouring down on a day to day..makes me feel a bit better. For sometimes it helps to cry or have a release. This song talks about holding worry close to your heart and wanted to be strong enough to deal with what life throws your way. I want to start brand new and for things to start getting easier for us. Doug likes to say that he never does anything the easy way and slowly I am starting to believe him.

Sometimes when you have been wanting something for so long...and have been so focused and trying with all of your might...you forget things..like how refreshing it can be to walk in the rain. You need little reminders like fresh flowers..gentle rain...bubbles....children's laughter.

So I guess in one way I am saying....BRING IT ON!!! We can do anything together if we put our minds to it. We have to believe in our love...our great relationship.
The  other day I told Doug sometimes it is easier for me to feel numb...that way it does not bother me so much. Disappointment is not helping me. We need to remain open minded and have a positive outlook. Yes, I am sad....it does bother me...but it really does not help anything. I want to let the rain come down and make a brand new ground.

With our last IUI...he waited for 2 eggs..which I am guessing it did not work..as I believe I started my new cycle on Friday morning.. It is funny how things work out. I have been taking all of these things..to help us on our way. In the first month...I  was told to check to see if i was pregnant two weeks from when the doctor had forced me to ovulate...well if I did not get my cycle..that week...like I was supposed to I was to check. Both months..everything looks good...have some symptoms...which could also be from the progesterone...I normally..just on clomide get my cycle on days 32 or 33...consistently and now that I am on things to aid in me staying pregnant...if I ever get there...the first month it came on day 35...and this time I started my new cycle on day 37...more and more things get delayed.

This month reminds me of last year when I miscarried. Everything seems like deja vu. The doctor had taken holidays...and was away when I should be getting blood work..and no one is contacting me.  I went in for blood work last week and went in and talked to the receptionist...due to certain questions whether I should remain taking things and such. Just like last year...my hpt are also coming up negative..I swear my body does not produce enough hcg for it to measure as early as everyone else. So  I had still not gotten anything as of Tuesday...went in for blood work after I was done work. I never received a phone call. She was touch and go on whether she would be in the office...since the doctor was away. I waited all day wed..no call. So I called all day on Thurs..and no one was there. Doug called all day Friday and nothing. So I decide OK..I still have nothing...just to be safe..I will use the digital hpt that I was going to save until I knew for sure ahead of time..It is expensive after all. The damn test did not even work for me at all. I have probably had it for a couple of months..but it was un-opened...and I payed almost 15-20$ for the stupid test. I am certainly not impressed with CLEAR BLUE! I do not recommend them to anyone. The other ones I bought from them in the beginning when we first started to try..well the indicator did not even work for me.

I even got to have more fun with walmartlol.

So since the receptionist never called me back..I would have no clue if I really am pregnant..the hpt say no..I finally got what could have been implantation bleeding..really late..but that is what happened last year when all this occurred. My body is really screwed up. Or I  could be and something is wrong..it is probably just my period...but it frustrates me. I have things I am on..that I have to keep taking if I am pregnant..and others I need to stop right away..due to they can make me miscarry. Its like a guessing game for me. My Doctor is also away this week too. He is not back until March 14th...

I was not given any more clomide...so I am not sure what we are up to this cycle...he could want my body to take a break..or be put on something else. I do  not cycle properly without anything...which sucks...just on metformin..it could be 40-50 days before I fully cycle.  So now we get to try to book an appointment for when he is back in the office...hope that we do not miss this month completely..due to his vacation time....dougs work schedule..and my screwed up body. I feel broken...things should not be this hard.

As for me ...I want to let the rain come down...Make a brand new ground