Time

Time has definitely been moving quickly this year. I find that the process seems long and tiresome..at times very frustrated. Time has helped Doug and I to grow closer is some ways. We probably share a lot more than we did before...which is healthy...but also scary in what we have had to deal with together. In the beginning we knew we may have some problems...but why not give it a shot right.

When I first got off birth control, august of two years ago. I thought okay we have to let the birth control ware off. I had one regular period after that and then did not have anything at all until Feb of the following year, that was only due to being put on a drug called Metformin. We found out I had a Syndrome called PCOS ( Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This means I have cysts all over my ovaries. My sugar levels were not processing properly and were affecting my hormone levels..which caused me to not lose the weight I was working on so hard to lose. Not ovulate properly, throwing my hormones around..excess hair growth, my sugar levels were turning into high levels of testosterone, which then releases and forms cysts and does not let me cycle properly. Metformin helps my sugar go through properly.
    The metformin was not going to work on its own though. We went through months of dealing with periods still being very long for cycle days. Sometimes skipping every other month. In the end of the first year of trying we found out not only do I have lots of cysts on my ovaries I had one large one that was not benign , it was one I called “ Paul Anka” I figure you might aswell make light of my ackward situation. We were then sent on to a specialist who is named to Dr.Maskins. He is the guy to go see for fertility issues in the area. We had to wait a month or two to get in to see him. Popular guy. My period at that point had to be forced and I was put on Provera and then Clomide for three months.

    I now thought hey we are making progress. I could deal with hotflashes and not feeling good or getting sleep for 5 days a month if this is going to work. Well three months passed and no results. So we had an HSG done..which is a dye test where they shoot dye up your fallopian tubes and take exray’s. Very painful process...do not recommend unless you truly have to get one done. After that happened we got pregnant..not knowing that we were. Doug was traveling a lot and we were trying but it was very difficult due to a little thing called TIME. That time thing seems to affect a lot in our lives. I took a pregnancy test seeing as it was late..it said no..so I thought well I better get the provera to force in....progesterone replacement is what provera is. A week after I was done taking the provera is when I started to feel ill..and my boobs hurt..I took another test and found out "hey we are prego"...we were full of excitement...and slowly told some family...big mistake.. We started to go to the doctor to get our levels tested weekly. They confirmed we were pregnant..but about week and  a bit later, my levels were not going any higher and I started to spot..which turned into bleeding and us getting pretty nervous about the whole thing. He confirmed we had miscarried..after going to an appointment that same week...then we can to go through the torture of getting my blood levels taken numerous weeks following to insure that my levels were dropping naturally and that no surgery was needed.

   Within a few weeks time we were excited and relieved and then had it all taken away quickly..excitement turned into sadness, frustration, anger...shock. Telling my parents was harder than other ppl. Knowing my mom had to deal with that feeling so often when they were trying to have children made it that much worse.
   We went through more appointments making sure everything was okay again...and are now back on Clomide. We are on our 6th amount of clomide spaced out with time. One of our last appointments with the specialist was ackward due to the amount of ppl in the room with us. But gave us good news of a thick lining and useless small cysts. So now we wait and see if the next cycle is the one.

For the past couple of appointments we have been just doing internal ultrasounds to check and see if everything is still clear and been waiting for the doctor to decide  whether it is time to move on to the next step..after a couple more rounds of clomide we are moving onto the next step if we are not prego this month. Secretly we are really hopeing we are just going to be pregnant before we have to go that far. Now after going through all of this, we are now onto thinking and discussing IUI's. Inter Uterine Insemination. The more medical approach to TTC, with the help of modern medicine. Ofcourse now this is where things start to cost a little more money than we had anticipated in the beginning. But this is afterall what life has thrown us and what god has in his hands for us.

Time has taught us to respect each other more ...love harder...cherish little moments. pray together..talk more..have patients,take one month and day at a time. We may still be healing and dealing with lots of emotions and drugs and situations but that is all part of this journey. I am always curious to see what TIME is gonna send our way next. I know that when we do finally get pregnant and start our family we will be the ones who are sooo lucky and loved and cherish everything that much more. Some days I am frustrated with how long this has taken me. But this journey and time I am learning to embrace whether it be good or bad. The waiting is all part of the steps towards our destination.